13 February 2018

Life Update

The past week has been exceptionally difficult for me. Dealing with loss and grieving is something I'm terrible at. — Before anyone says I'm melodramatic over the loss of A pet, my pets are like family to me. And it's okay if you don't understand that. I hardly open up like this online because when something’s on the internet, IT’S ON forever. —

My pets have been with me through finals in university, tough days at work, family events, so losing 1 of them is like losing a family member. The last time I dealt with a loss in the family was 10 years ago, so I guess it's been awhile since I felt my chest ripped open and my heart stomped on. To say that I'm heartbroken really doesn't cut it.

To be honest, the last few days I'm barely functioning. All I do when I wake up is try to go back to sleep, and if I can't sleep I'll lay in bed and watch videos after videos just to get keep my mind occupied. I'm terrible.

On the morning of the 10th, I woke up from my sleep and I had a vision. The vision was getting a text from the hospital nurse that my baby didn't make it. I tried to slap that image out of my head and went back to sleep. It wasn't long before I woke up again by a phone call. My heart sunk, I knew it had to be THE CALL. I braced myself, got out of bed and picked it up. True enough. 

The nurse told me over the phone that her heart had stopped, and they would try to resuscitate, I said okay and hung up. 10 minutes later, a message popped up. 7:44am - everything changed for good. My mind was blank, I didn't know what to do. I mean what should I do? But really, what should I do with my life from now? It was strange, because I didn't burst into tears instantly. I was still able to convey the message to my family in the calmest tone and I climbed back into bed. 

I was awake, but I desperately wished this was a dream that I would wake up from and I could change my mind about doing the op. It wasn't a dream, and reality started creeping in. Fuck. The immense pain in my chest that I haven't felt in the longest time. I cried, for god knows how long. Maybe an hour, maybe 2, I never fell back asleep. Finally it was 11am and it was time for us to head down to pick her up. We couldn't get a cab for almost 30 minutes, and decided that a long bus journey would be good.

My hands were cold, my feet were cold, my legs didn't feel like legs. I didn't want to do the walk to the clinic. But we were there, and I opened the door and while I kept telling myself to hold it in I couldn't the moment I said - "please put my baby in this box" I broke down right in front of everyone at the vet. The nurse asked: "do you want to see her?", "no just put her in the box please, and her belongings separately." Again, I held it in for as long as I could till we got home. 

I knew going home would be the hardest part, because her friend was home and he instantly knew she was back. The scent perhaps? But my heart broke again when I saw how he called out for her. All I could think of was "sorry I did this, it was my fault". I opened the box and saw her cold lifeless body, I cried uncontrollably for 20 minutes. Everything flashed before my eyes, her running around the house, sneaking into my room, calling out for food - and yet now, there she was laying in the box and her eyes closed. I wish there was more I could do for her, I really wished. 

The days after weren't easy, but I tried to do more. I tried to hang out with friends, and I'm incredibly thankful for their support and patience the last few days. The occasional thought of her would switch on the tears faucet, the memories from the last 2 years kept surfacing up and I wish I could hold her in my arms again. I wish I could celebrate more birthdays with my piggies, I wish I could celebrate more Christmases with my piggies. I feel empty right now, like a piece of me gone forever. 

I only hope that wherever she is right now, she is happy with endless of food and pain free. One day we'll meet again, I'll miss you forever.

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